Poor Germans. They have no Roundheads, Arthurian Knights or Confederates in their history, which means that entire domains of the magical world of the historical re-enactment society are closed to them. Worst of all, Vikings never troubled Germany much, which must have been a relief to flaxen-haired Celtic virgins in the eighth century but is absolutely rotten news for German geeks in the twenty-first century who fancy a little raping and pillaging action (re-enacted, of course) on the weekends.

I imagine World War II would be a rich re-enactment seam, but dressing up in Nazi uniform isn’t really on in these parts. (Having said that, a quick Google reveals several WWII enactment societies elsewhere in the world, including, horrors, the “1.SS Panzer Division re-enactment unit”, whose website makes it clear that its members do not intend to further National Socialist ideology nor promote hatred, racism or violence but just want to play with some really big weapons.)

Anyway, it seems that all Germany is left with on the re-enactment front are yawnsome choices like the King’s German Legion enactment group, which is hardly breeches-stirring*, and laissez-faire groups like the Historical Impressions Group of Munich, which appears to take in so many historical periods (“the Celtic late latin times, the late Middle Ages, the 18th century, the Napoleonic era, and the American Civil War”, to be exact) that if you turned up dressed as a haddock and said you wanted to re-enact the Paleozoic Era, I am sure there would be a place (plaice?) for you.

Then (and this is really scraping the barrel) there are the 1980s-Soviet-Russia re-enactment societies. I stumbled upon one such society recreating a bread queue in a supermarket yesterday:

It’s super: a bit like a flash mob. What you do is to close all the bakeries after 2pm on a Saturday and all day on Sunday, to create insatiable demand for carbohydrate. Then you ensure that the bread sold on supermarket shelves is complete bobbins. It must be thin, dry, nasty-tasting, and ideally have a photograph of someone called Barbara on the packaging, like this:

Then the society members put on their ugliest clothing (how to choose, how to choose) and queue up for hours to buy some of the slightly less bobbins bread sold at the bakery counter. The societies ensure that there are always slightly too many of the boring plain white rolls called Brötchen and slighty too few of the fun, exciting rolls with sunflower seeds. And someone always plays the role of the man who buys up all of the croissants just when the queue is at its longest. I was disturbed that no one was wearing an authentic Russian fur hat yesterday, but I expect they’re waiting until it gets really cold. Anyway, it’s the most marvellous fun on a freezing weekend, especially if the queue extends out of the shop. Who needs nice bread when you are part of living history?

* To be fair, I don’t actually know what the King’s German Legion was, so it is probably slightly presumptious to write them off as “yawnsome”. For all I know, they was a crucial part of Wellington’s army and put up a brave stand at La Haye Saint in the Battle of Waterloo. Oh, hang on…