And the Lord came to me in a newsagents shop, and He told me to take up knitting. BEHOLD:

Weee! My very own magazine, full of delicious knitting patterns. I also picked up a copy of…

… as in, your mum is. Its sister titles Minger and He’s Lush: For girls who fancy their chemistry teachers were nowhere to be seen on the shelves. However, I did see – and resist – Sauna & Solarium, the chess player’s must-read Schach Magazin 64, Crema (subtitle: For Coffee Lovers) and Rodentia, the small mammal magazine. Don’t I have awesome willpower?

But anyway. Those knitting patterns. If Rebecca is indeed a sign from God that I need to pick up needles, I might need some guidance on where to start. I can’t decide between:

The Audrey Heppurl. You CAN wear a thermal vest and go to the ball!

The Carpet Underlay Tube Dress. Shown in damp mould green. Yarn also available in fungal spore grey.

The BabaYaga. (Advanced pattern includes Turin Shroud design on the back.)

The Ray Mears Bivouac (Requires 379 balls of 12-ply.)

The Horror.

(nb: props to the art director, who seems who have got all models to simulate a state of near ecstacy while wearing some rather tricologically challenged clothing.)

I would appreciate any thoughts on your favourite pattern, but I think I have nearly decided. When I saw this I thought it was an averagely offensive pink jumper made worse by being teamed with a ridiculous puffball skirt.

But on closer inspection, it is revealed that the skirt is part of the design.

GENIUS. This, surely, is a garment that needs to be seen on the streets of Bonn.