My human rights have been assaulted. By a librarian!

Specifically Article 24 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which says that “Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours, periodic holidays with pay and the right to sneak around municipal libraries in peace and quiet.”

Yes, I have dreadful news to report from Bonn Central Library. And not before time – owing to my extended leave of absence from the blogoscene, I’m pretty sure that Nordrhein-Westfalian library news has been a bit thin on the ground. Let me assure you, readers, that this media blackout was not the result of some sneaky Prince Harry-esque deal between your humble author and the city authorities to allow me to infiltrate the inner book stacks of Gardening and Home Decoration undetected. It’s cause I’ve had nichts to blog about for two months.

Actually, I still don’t have anything to blog about. But I don’t think I have any readers left, either, so I can happily blog about terrifically-dull-to-anyone-but-me subjects. Like this one!

Anyway, imagined readers, I was down at the stacks on Saturday (natch), and while deciding on how many Dick Francis books I hadn’t read, I began to hear an instrumental version of New York, New York being played extremely loudly. I assumed it was someone’s ringtone (I’ve heard worse), but when it segued into We Are Sailing, I realised that the extremely Evil Geniuses of the library were playing literally unbearably bad music to kick the punters out. Now, I wouldn’t mind, but they started this New York… japery at 12-bloody-40 pm, when there were still 19 whole minutes left to browse intellectual works by Kafka that I will never read and stalk interesting-looking bearded types in the poetry section. And neither activity is very easy to do when your brain is being slowly suffocated by Nights in White Satin.

Surely a single “ping” from the front desk would be the respectable way to bring the frenzied page-turning frottage to a close? Sadly, the whispering culture is dying out, as libraries are increasingly used to house computers, super-annoying craft exhibitions – usually involving exceptionally ugly pottery – and people who snore (what a shame they can’t have their own ante room with appliqued blankets and a Maeve Binchy on every pillow). I mean, in Bath they had a snack vending machine. In the library!

Someone make me Minister for Libraries immediately. This would be a super-cool job. I would be the Barack Obama of the libraries. I’d be a minister who finally ends late fees for all. I would unite county councils to offer bibliophiles a new hope. I would remove all copies of The Da Vinci Code. And I would never allow jigsaw puzzles to be considered genuine lending items again. I think you know it makes sense. We are ready to believe again.